Cat Psychology

Lately my cat, Betsy, has been acting strange. Brandon and I aren't sure how old she is. The vet seems to think she is anywhere between the ages of 9 and 12, and offers to give her a senior pet exam to help us diagnose what the issues may be. She sits and meows at me for no reason. I think she has become a "kitty treat" addict, and is going through withdrawal if I don't feed her 10 treats a day.

Sometimes I call Betsy my teenage daughter. One moment she will be all cuddly and needy, the next moment I can't do anything right. But now all she does is yell at me. She won't cuddle, which is why I think she has been acting strange lately. She purrs and will come near me but she won't sit in my lap. Her actions have made me sad. Especially when I see her cuddling with Brandon.

Yesterday I had a lightbulb moment. Betsy is afraid to sit in my lap. After my surgery, we were vigilant in keeping the cats away from my torso. One night, soon after I returned home from the hospital, Brandon woke up to me breathing oddly and found Betsy asleep on my chest -- not good. We were constantly telling her no. Or simply picking her up and removing her. Which would now explain why she will not come near me, or is at the very least, extremely hesitant to come near me.

Since more surgery is in the not so far off future, I don't want to continue to confuse her, so I will not force the issue and continue to invite her onto my lap, but the lack of kitty cuddles still makes me sad.

Hair Again

Last weekend I traveled to Boston for a librarian conference. It was my first trip since my surgery in October (we didn't travel anywhere for the holidays because of a multi-week bout of bronchitis). My energy levels were surprisingly high, although on my return home, I basically collapsed and spent several days recovering from exhaustion. The conference was a wonderful opportunity to see close friends and professional colleagues from around the country, and to be in a large city.

Since Brandon and I didn't travel for the holidays, for the past couple of months, basically the only people we've seen are coworkers and my team of medical professionals. Since I hadn't seen many people in a long time (rural Ohio is shockingly not high on many people's destination lists), the conference was the big debut of my new curly hair. My hair is curly. Every day it gets curlier and curlier.

Now I don't want to sound rude or unpleasant, but it really difficult for me to accept compliments on my hair. I hear that it looks good, but it really hard for me to politely respond to compliments on a hair style that I didn't want. For those who don't know, curls are a side effect of chemo. How would you like a daily reminder of a horrible time period of your life? And then for people to compliment you on it?

I know that most people don't know curly hair is a side effect of chemo. I can say thank you to your compliments, but don't push me to explain why. My anger and sadness at the cancer diagnosis are still simmering just below the surface, and if you pester me to tell you why my hair is curly, I may just go ape shit on you. Don't say I didn't warn you. I see your face when you pester me for a further explanation, and I say that it is a side effect of chemo. You didn't want to hear that did you?

As my hair continues to curl, I've mulled over an appropriate response to queries, seeking an answer which says says I didn't ask for this style and stop asking me about it. While in Boston, an answer came to me, "I call it my $100,000 perm." Ha!

Chemo Flashback

What is the number one signal to the world that someone is undergoing chemotherapy? Hair loss, right? Well, did you ever stop to think that chemo patients lose more than just the hair on top of their head? Think about... Chemo patients lose all types of body hair from all areas of the body. Leg hair loss... great! Arm hair loss... not so great, but not a big deal. Nose hair loss... didn't think of that one, did you?

One of the worst aspects of chemo is losing nose hair. Definitely not a worrisome concern. The nurses don't even mention nose hair loss to you when they go over the potential side effects with you. But all of sudden your nose has no control of the snot in your head. The experience is horrid. A runny nose takes on a whole new meaning.

So today, my sinuses decided to act up. Not sure why, just something in the air. But my nose will not stop running. The snot goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat. I guess not all of my nose hairs grew back.

Blue, Yellow, White, Nude, Whatever

Someone please explain to me how announcing the color of one's bra on Facebook is raising awareness of breast cancer. As someone who has had breast cancer, I actually find the activity offensive. And since last night, every time I log on to Facebook, I find another color posted as someone's status update, and get enraged all over again. Who comes up with these ideas?

On a personal note, I can't even where a normal bra yet. I wear white medical bras, which resemble sports bras, but clasp in the front. Very sexy. Very. Hopefully, my breasts will be able to handle wearing normal bras sometime soon, but I have no idea when. So even if I didn't have all of my pent-up anger towards cancer, I'd still feel left out right now because I can't wear a real bra. Thanks for reminding me, whoever you are who thought this bra color update was a good idea.

Maybe I am alone in my rage. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I am. I find most breast cancer awareness activities superficial. Why don't we discuss the causes of breast cancer and the effects of breast cancer on our persons and our society rather than wearing pink and feeling smug? Or posting the color of our bras? What the fuck does that do?

2010

I kicked off the new year this morning by jamming the bread knife in my thumb, so I am going to simply hope that the year can only get better and brighter from here on out. Wishing all of you only the best for the upcoming months.

Happy New Year!