Private Quarters

For me, my cancer diagnosis has always been a private matter. I shared it with mainly friends and family. Due to my wedding happening two months after the diagnosis, I probably shared it with more people than I felt necessary, but I didn't want someone attending the wedding to learn about my situation at the wedding. If you were close enough to me to be there, you deserved to know.

At the time of my diagnosis and first surgery, I shared my situation with very coworkers. A few months later, when it came time to begin chemo, I felt that those who worked closely me deserved to learn about my medical status. And luckily, many of my coworkers respected my privacy and didn't gossip. Many colleagues didn't even realize what was happening until it was over, until I stopped wearing my wig. Being almost bald is kind of a giveaway. And I think there are many who still don't know.

My reason for being quiet was because I never wanted to be defined by a few rogue cells that decided to take root and grow within my body. Once you tell people that you have cancer, the disease takes over your life. People begin to look at you differently. Conversations are awkward. I didn't want my life to be only about the cancer.

Today, NPR produced a piece about people who feel differently than me. In fact, one person is quoted as thinking that a television character who is private about having cancer is not believable character. "Turning Cancer, Other Diseases, Into Causes" discusses changes in society's attitude over the past few decades regarding sharing diagnoses and promoting disease awareness.

As I write this blog entry, I wonder if you might find me hypocritical for claiming privacy since I write a blog. My blog began as a way to share what was happening in my life with a few close friends so I wouldn't have to call everyone every time something new happened. As my medical adventures have began to die down, I've wondered if keeping the blog going was necessary. My psychologist encourages me to write a journal as a form of therapy, and this blog is my cancer journal.

And I keep my blog public, just in case someone out there, maybe recently diagnosed with breast cancer, worrying that they may be alone, possibly overwhelmed by a scary sea of rah-rah pink.

Yarn Shopping

Yesterday, Brandon and I drove to the town of Wooster for a Saturday afternoon get-away. Wooster is a lovely town about an hour north of where we live, with cute shops and a few organic/local food-themed restaurants. A delightful vineyard is on the town’s outskirts, so we even stopped for a glass of wine on our way into town. Our destinations in Wooster were a yarn store, a music equipment store, and a bakery/restaurant for dinner. Because we got to town soon before closing time for the yarn and music stores, Brandon and I went our separate ways to visit our respective shopping destinations.

My store of choice was the yarn store. As I wandered among the colorful yarns of varying textures, I couldn’t help but overhear different conversations. The owner of the store seemed to be cultivating an environment where one felt comfortable to discuss any and all topics.

The first conversation I overheard was between the store owner and a woman about my age, maybe a little older. The customer was looking at patterns for infants. She had recently been through the adoption vetting process, and had been approved. Now all she had to do was wait, and make plans to knit a “welcome home” gift for the baby. Since all conversations about babies and adoption make me a little teary, I became misty eyed as I listened to the two ladies chat.

The second overhead conversation was between two ladies as they knit the world’s largest sock (an ongoing project at the store). Their discussion was about family, ailments, hospitals, and psychology. One of the women chose the moment I was standing near the table to reveal her cancer history. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer at 36 or 37 (she looked now to be in her 60s or early 70s). At some point many years ago, she had surgery to remove her ovaries. About two years ago, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her story yesterday afternoon was about the experience of learning that one’s cancer has metastasized and the treatments that followed the new diagnosis. If you have ever been diagnosed with cancer, the fear of learning that your cancer has spread or returned is a nightmare that haunts all visits to the doctor. I could barely contain my sad emotions as I overheard this one woman’s very personal story.

I quickly chose 2 skeins of sparkly blue/gray Borocco yarn, paid for the yarn, and scurried out of the store when I began sobbing. With nowhere to hide, I spotted a nook in the front of nearby bank. I tried to stop crying, and the cold cement seat in the nook helped a bit. Since I have decided to not take anti-depressants, I do need to get better control of my emotions. Luckily Brandon soon wrapped up his shopping and was able to console me. We then went to eat our delicious dinner. I had a goat cheese and spinach salad with crab chowder. Brandon had a goat cheese and sausage pizza. For dessert, Brandon chose bananas foster and I had a Belgian chocolate crème. It was a day that deserved a dessert finale.

FYI OMG

Earlier this week, I learned about the OMG! Cancer Summit for Young Adults. The 3rd annual conference will be held on May 23, 2010 in New York on the campus of Pace University. The event sounds like a wonderful opportunity to meet other young people who share similar cancer-related concerns. The day-long event will offer networking opportunities and host different panel discussions. Panel topics of high interest to me are on fertility issues and living life after cancer, but also listed on the agenda are conversations on employment/insurance, sex & relationships, and social media advocacy. Well known names in the young person's cancer world, including Kairol Rosenthal, author of Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20s and 30s and Matthew Zachary, founder of I'm Too Young For This!, are highlighted as panel participants, I don't know if I will be able to attend, but I am most definitely considering it.

To learn more about OMG! 2010 go to http://omgsummit.org/2010/index.html. Registration begins on April 5.

NYT Series

The New York Times is currently running a series on cancer and finding a cure, in particular on our cultural misunderstanding (or misperceptions) of cancer and the lack of a cure. Many people assume that when a patient completes chemo and radiation, the patient is cured but this is not the case. Chemo and radiation try to kill the cancer cells and stop them them from spreading. For example, while I recently completed chemo, had a mastectomy and a sentinel lymph biopsy which showed no sign of cancer in my lymph nodes, all I can do right now is wait to reach the magical 2 and 5 year goals of non-recurrence and then maybe I can breath easy. Maybe.

One of the interviewees for the article is a woman with metastatic breast cancer. While the story is not pleasant or hopeful, I thought it should be shared. Her story is of one who did everything right (non-smoking, vegetarian, exercise) and yet she still got breast cancer, and her cancer spread.

Here is the link to the article: "Advances Elusive in the Long Drive to Cure Cancer." New York Times. April 23, 2009.
As a librarian, I should have a proper citation note but I think all the pertinent information is included in my note.

Yam Biscuits

In an earlier post, "In a nutshell" dated 11/28/08, I mentioned enjoying yam biscuits. In a comment to that post, Nanette queried about the yam biscuits. To answer her question, the recipe came from a cookbook on how to eat healthy during chemo, Eating Well Through Cancer by Holly Clegg & Gerald Miletello, MD. My first chemo treatment was the day before Thanksgiving. So on Thanksgiving, I wasn't much in the mood for the traditional Thanksgiving meal (a meal which I adore so I'm going to need to find a time soon to eat the whole turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, etc...) This cookbook did have a recipe for Yam Biscuits (p. 48). Brandon made me these biscuits, with a slight variation (he suggests checking Rose Levy Bernbaum's, the baking bible goddess, recipe). I love sweet potatoes (except for the marshmallow dish that for some reason shows up on so many holiday tables), so my Thanksgiving dinner was yam biscuits, served with chicken noodle soup.

Book citations:

Beranbaum, Rose Levy. The Bread Bible. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 2003. p. 136-138.

Clegg, Holly and Gerald Miletello, M.D. Eating Well Through Cancer: Easy Recipes & Recommendations During & After Treatment. Nashville, TN: Favorite Recipes Pess, 2006. p. 48