So it has been a little more than two months since my big ass surgery. According to my surgeon, whom I have begun calling Magic Fingers but not too his face, things are looking good. The fat is settling into its to new location on my chest. He can now see what needs to be fixed. One "breast" is larger than the other. The other "breast" is lopsided. And the stomach area also needs some touching up. My next follow-up surgery will be outpatient, and should only take about 2-3 hours which is no time at all if you remember that my October surgery was about 15 hours.
The only lingering issue for me right now is that my stomach scar is taking forever to heal. It seems that some of the stitches are disintegrating like they are supposed to. In order to help move this process along, while in the shower, I clean the hole/indentation in my stomach with a cotton swab, and then put on my fancy silver sulfadiazine cream.
Despite a downturn economy, I'm doing my best to keep the lotion companies in business. I use a variety of baby skin lotions on my new "breasts" and stomach. Gotta keep the skin supple. Sometimes I feel like all I do is rub lotion on myself. Good times!
30 December 2009
25 December 2009
08 December 2009
Hair Update
When I first met the bevy of oncologists while deciding which chemo program would be best for me, each doctor informed that one side effect of chemo is curly hair. Since hair loss is almost inevitable, hair growth is also inevitable. What the doctors and nurses told me is that when hair returns, it grows in curly. They also tried to imply that curly hair is a good thing. Maybe for some people, but not for me. Each time a doctor would mention the curly regrown hair, I would give them the best death stare I could muster up.
My hair has slowly been regrowing since March. By summertime, I was able to go wig-free. My hair was growing in straight. I got cocky. Let me warn you, never get cocky. It will always be your downfall. Well, at the very least, it is my downfall.
My hair is curly now. The words that I want to say right now are inappropriate for an online forum. Let's just say, I'm not very happy about the curly hair. Maybe it will grow on me.
My hair has slowly been regrowing since March. By summertime, I was able to go wig-free. My hair was growing in straight. I got cocky. Let me warn you, never get cocky. It will always be your downfall. Well, at the very least, it is my downfall.
My hair is curly now. The words that I want to say right now are inappropriate for an online forum. Let's just say, I'm not very happy about the curly hair. Maybe it will grow on me.
05 December 2009
Rainy Days
A doctor recently suggested I try the anti-depressant Prozac. While prescribing the medication, he expressed surprise that, considering the events of the past year, no other medical professional had suggested I try anti-depressants. The thought had never occurred to me.
I have never taken an anti-depressant. In my ignorance, I assumed that you could take them the same one one takes an anti-anxiety drug -- on an as needed basis. Turns out that is not the case, and now I am leery of trying the prescription. After discussing the prescription with my therapist, I now understand that one needs to take the pills every day for multiple months before even knowing if the pills work. I'm not so sure I want such a daily commitment.
The potential benefit of Prozac is the end of my random bouts of crying. The downsides are too numerous to count. So the question I ask myself is which side effect would be most beneficial to me. Would the halting of crying outweigh any of downsides?
For the moment, I am leaning towards not taking the pills. I had the first month of the prescription filled, but that was before I became aware of the necessary commitment. The bottle of bicolored pills sits among my many prescription bottles waiting for my decision. At the very least, I know the pills are available if I should change my mind.
I have never taken an anti-depressant. In my ignorance, I assumed that you could take them the same one one takes an anti-anxiety drug -- on an as needed basis. Turns out that is not the case, and now I am leery of trying the prescription. After discussing the prescription with my therapist, I now understand that one needs to take the pills every day for multiple months before even knowing if the pills work. I'm not so sure I want such a daily commitment.
The potential benefit of Prozac is the end of my random bouts of crying. The downsides are too numerous to count. So the question I ask myself is which side effect would be most beneficial to me. Would the halting of crying outweigh any of downsides?
For the moment, I am leaning towards not taking the pills. I had the first month of the prescription filled, but that was before I became aware of the necessary commitment. The bottle of bicolored pills sits among my many prescription bottles waiting for my decision. At the very least, I know the pills are available if I should change my mind.
25 November 2009
Turkey Time
Like an ominous and looming cloud, just like the ones in today's central Ohio sky, I knew this day was coming but it wasn't until noon-time that I realized today was the day. Last year, on the day before Thanksgiving, I had my first chemo session. Wow! I can't believe it has been one year.
During the fourth week of November, Americans typically like discuss thankfulness. In regards to chemo, there isn't much to be thankful. The experience sucks - there is really no other way to describe it. But if I had to say what I am thankful for in regards to chemo, I do have a few thoughts.
I am relieved that despite feeling nauseous at times, I never vomited. My wig wasn't horrible, and many people just assumed I had a slightly bad haircut (and some even complimented me on my new style). And I must recognize the the chemo nurses who made each chemo treatment session bearable, and sometimes, even slightly entertaining.
But in regards to true thankfulness, I am most thankful for my awesome husband, who I'm sure had his moments of frustration or anger, but never let me see them. I could not have survived those 5-months of chemo (or any of the many cancer-related surgeries, doctor's visits, psychological meltdowns, etc... throughout the entire cancer ordeal) without him and his unrelenting and unwavering support. Thank you. I love you.
As I not-so-fondly remember the chemo experience, I can smile and say, also thankfully, that the best part is now -- being finished, and have been finished for over six months. The port was removed last month. No more toxic chemicals flowing through my veins. Phew!
P.S. I can't forget to thank Betsy, who encouraged me to take way more naps than I probably needed. And Daisy, whose squeaks and antics will always make me laugh.
During the fourth week of November, Americans typically like discuss thankfulness. In regards to chemo, there isn't much to be thankful. The experience sucks - there is really no other way to describe it. But if I had to say what I am thankful for in regards to chemo, I do have a few thoughts.
I am relieved that despite feeling nauseous at times, I never vomited. My wig wasn't horrible, and many people just assumed I had a slightly bad haircut (and some even complimented me on my new style). And I must recognize the the chemo nurses who made each chemo treatment session bearable, and sometimes, even slightly entertaining.
But in regards to true thankfulness, I am most thankful for my awesome husband, who I'm sure had his moments of frustration or anger, but never let me see them. I could not have survived those 5-months of chemo (or any of the many cancer-related surgeries, doctor's visits, psychological meltdowns, etc... throughout the entire cancer ordeal) without him and his unrelenting and unwavering support. Thank you. I love you.
As I not-so-fondly remember the chemo experience, I can smile and say, also thankfully, that the best part is now -- being finished, and have been finished for over six months. The port was removed last month. No more toxic chemicals flowing through my veins. Phew!
P.S. I can't forget to thank Betsy, who encouraged me to take way more naps than I probably needed. And Daisy, whose squeaks and antics will always make me laugh.
08 November 2009
Possible Chemical Cause
Yesterday NYTimes columnist, Nicholas Kristoff, published a piece on BPA (Bisphenol A) and a potential link to breast cancer. BPA is a chemical commonly found in plastics (think nalgene water bottle or baby formula bottle). Whatever the cause of the breast cancer epidemic may be, and the cause is unknown, I am always curious to hear the latest theory:
"Chemicals in Our Food, Our Bodies." New York Times, November 7, 2009. Online version.
P.S. More on BPA from the Wikipedia page on Risk Factors of breast cancer.
P.P.S. Nalgene's response to the BPA controversy.
"Chemicals in Our Food, Our Bodies." New York Times, November 7, 2009. Online version.
P.S. More on BPA from the Wikipedia page on Risk Factors of breast cancer.
P.P.S. Nalgene's response to the BPA controversy.
07 November 2009
Healing
Monday will mark three weeks since my 15+ hour surgery. My surgical team completed the following procedures: a prophylactic mastectomy on the left side, a sentinel lymph node biopsy on same side, a removal of my chemo port, a removal of the tissue expander, and bilateral reconstruction of both breasts using the fat from my stomach. I spent 5 days in the hospital following the surgery, and was able to go home on the following Saturday afternoon. This meant I was home on Sunday for my first wedding anniversary :)
Following the surgery, I had 4 drainage tubes. Turns out having 4 drainage tube is as bad as having only 1. They just suck. Luckily my tubes were removed less than a week after my release from the hospital. During the days following my release, one of the abdominal tubes became loose, but my local doctor stitched for me. The next day, my surgeon removed it.
For those of you unaware of the tubes (see also Wikipedia entry for photo), the tubes are placed in patients in order to collect the overflow of fluids the body produces. The body can only absorb about 30cc of fluid, so doctors typically will not remove the tubes until the tubes collect 30 cc or less during a 24-hour period.
Once the tubes were removed, I became a new person. I could walk better. My appetite returned (I did not have much of an appetite for a couple of weeks). My energy levels began to increase. I could climb stairs which meant that I could sleep in my bed rather than on the couch (which was beginning to hurt my back).
My energy levels are not great. I take nice long naps. I can take short walks around the neighborhood or large box stores, but need to walk slowly and take short breaks. The pain is also decreasing, but is not gone. I am definitely healing, and am looking forward to the day when I feel comfortable walking by myself around the neighborhood and don't hurt so much.
Following the surgery, I had 4 drainage tubes. Turns out having 4 drainage tube is as bad as having only 1. They just suck. Luckily my tubes were removed less than a week after my release from the hospital. During the days following my release, one of the abdominal tubes became loose, but my local doctor stitched for me. The next day, my surgeon removed it.
For those of you unaware of the tubes (see also Wikipedia entry for photo), the tubes are placed in patients in order to collect the overflow of fluids the body produces. The body can only absorb about 30cc of fluid, so doctors typically will not remove the tubes until the tubes collect 30 cc or less during a 24-hour period.
Once the tubes were removed, I became a new person. I could walk better. My appetite returned (I did not have much of an appetite for a couple of weeks). My energy levels began to increase. I could climb stairs which meant that I could sleep in my bed rather than on the couch (which was beginning to hurt my back).
My energy levels are not great. I take nice long naps. I can take short walks around the neighborhood or large box stores, but need to walk slowly and take short breaks. The pain is also decreasing, but is not gone. I am definitely healing, and am looking forward to the day when I feel comfortable walking by myself around the neighborhood and don't hurt so much.
18 October 2009
Reconstruction Surgery
Tomorrow morning is my reconstruction surgery. Eek! I'm starting to get nervous. We've been planning this for so long, that I can't believe it is happening. My doctors are great so I'm confident all will go well, but at the same time, I'm a little frightened. That's normal, right?
Wish my doctor's luck (they are doing all the work, I'll be asleep).
Wish my doctor's luck (they are doing all the work, I'll be asleep).
13 October 2009
Frankenstein
"It's alive!"
For the past month, I have been experiencing varying degrees of pelvic pain. Unsure of the cause, I have been to see my family doctor, a urologist, and a gynecologist. I have had a pelvic ultrasound, a CT scan, and a cystoscopy. All of the test results were normal. One unexpected cancer diagnosis and an overactive imagination has turned me into the hypochondriac who goes to the doctor for the slightest twinge.
Yesterday, the gynecologist tells me that the pain is probably caused by the awakening of my ovaries. Chemo shut down my ovaries. Now that I am 6-months out from my last session of Taxol, this diagnosis makes sense. Wow, it hurts! I'm beginning to remember why I went on the Pill in the first place. Hopefully, the pain will lessen with time.
For the past month, I have been experiencing varying degrees of pelvic pain. Unsure of the cause, I have been to see my family doctor, a urologist, and a gynecologist. I have had a pelvic ultrasound, a CT scan, and a cystoscopy. All of the test results were normal. One unexpected cancer diagnosis and an overactive imagination has turned me into the hypochondriac who goes to the doctor for the slightest twinge.
Yesterday, the gynecologist tells me that the pain is probably caused by the awakening of my ovaries. Chemo shut down my ovaries. Now that I am 6-months out from my last session of Taxol, this diagnosis makes sense. Wow, it hurts! I'm beginning to remember why I went on the Pill in the first place. Hopefully, the pain will lessen with time.
05 October 2009
Decision to Make
Two weeks from today I will have my reconstruction surgery. I have been waiting for this day to come for a while. I am undergoing the DIEP procedure which means that my stomach fat will be used to build my breasts.
I have chosen to have a prophylactic mastectomy on the left breast. If all goes according to plan, I will live for many more years, and I don't want to spend those years being worried about a recurrence of breast cancer.
So about the decision that I need to make... Do I chose to have the sentinel lymph node on the left side biopsied during this procedure? Not a really big decision, but a decision that should not be made lightly. By having the lymph node removed, I develop the risk of developing lymphedema. It won't be a high risk, but nonetheless, it will be a risk.
When I had a mammogram in August, no lumps were found. But last year, when I had the mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI, the second tumor was not noticeable. The second lump was only found during the biopsy of the removed breast tissue.
My least favorite part of the breast medical community is when they tell me it is my decision to make. I don't know what I am doing. Even one year later, I still don't know what is best for my body or my mental state. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll know what is best.
I have chosen to have a prophylactic mastectomy on the left breast. If all goes according to plan, I will live for many more years, and I don't want to spend those years being worried about a recurrence of breast cancer.
So about the decision that I need to make... Do I chose to have the sentinel lymph node on the left side biopsied during this procedure? Not a really big decision, but a decision that should not be made lightly. By having the lymph node removed, I develop the risk of developing lymphedema. It won't be a high risk, but nonetheless, it will be a risk.
When I had a mammogram in August, no lumps were found. But last year, when I had the mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI, the second tumor was not noticeable. The second lump was only found during the biopsy of the removed breast tissue.
My least favorite part of the breast medical community is when they tell me it is my decision to make. I don't know what I am doing. Even one year later, I still don't know what is best for my body or my mental state. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll know what is best.
02 October 2009
20 September 2009
10 September 2009
Strength???
From the New York Times Health blog, written by Tara Parker-Pope, "Does Cancer Make You Strong?"
Comments from me on their way, but I wanted to be sure to post this article. I'm even tempted to comment on the NYT site, but we'll see if I can come up with any insightful and/or thoughtful comments for the public-at-large.
Comments from me on their way, but I wanted to be sure to post this article. I'm even tempted to comment on the NYT site, but we'll see if I can come up with any insightful and/or thoughtful comments for the public-at-large.
26 July 2009
Fly Fishing
Casting For Recovery is a national organization, based in Vermont, which provides fly fishing weekend get-away for breast cancer patients and survivors. Founded in 1996, this organization hosts regional retreats through out the year. Best of all, these retreats are free.
I don't know much about this organization, other than I what I have shared with you, but I really appreciate and admire this organizations attempt to get BC patients and survivors into nature, and learn something new.
For more information on this organization, here is the link to their web site:
http://castingforrecovery.org/index.html
I don't know much about this organization, other than I what I have shared with you, but I really appreciate and admire this organizations attempt to get BC patients and survivors into nature, and learn something new.
For more information on this organization, here is the link to their web site:
http://castingforrecovery.org/index.html
05 June 2009
Surgery Update
Last week I had a tissue expander implanted in me. The expander will be pumped up and force my skin to grow. The skin will then be used to create my brand, new, fancy breast. The entire stretching process should take about three months.
The procedure knocked me down a bit more than I anticipated. My original plan was to return to work on the Tuesday following the procedure. Instead, it is now Friday, and I am still at home (working but at home). Thank goodness for VPNs and the web, it is almost like I am at the office but instead of my team of nurses sleeping beside me while I lounge on the couch in my pajamas with my laptop. I could very easily become adjusted to this way of life.
Yesterday, Brandon and I returned to Cleveland to have my drainage tube removed, which was an uneventful process. We did spend quite a bit of time in the waiting room. While waiting to see the doctor, a young woman and her family were also there. By young woman, I mean someone in her 30s. I wish I knew her name so I could give her an online shout out of encouragement. She was bald (from chemo) and proud of it. She even wore a t-shirt which explained her situation -- it said something like "I'm bald from my medicine" but better, I just can't remember the exact comment.
I could never have done what she is doing. She was so confident and seemed to have such a positive attitude (or least from what I overheard in her conversations with others). I wish that I had seen her earlier in my process because it might have made being bald easier for me. I could barely walk around my house without some kind of head covering on.
So while I didn't say it yesterday, and I'll probably never see the proud bald lady again, I do want to acknowledge what a wonderful role model she is for all the young, bald, cancer patients. I wish I could have been more like her.
The procedure knocked me down a bit more than I anticipated. My original plan was to return to work on the Tuesday following the procedure. Instead, it is now Friday, and I am still at home (working but at home). Thank goodness for VPNs and the web, it is almost like I am at the office but instead of my team of nurses sleeping beside me while I lounge on the couch in my pajamas with my laptop. I could very easily become adjusted to this way of life.
Yesterday, Brandon and I returned to Cleveland to have my drainage tube removed, which was an uneventful process. We did spend quite a bit of time in the waiting room. While waiting to see the doctor, a young woman and her family were also there. By young woman, I mean someone in her 30s. I wish I knew her name so I could give her an online shout out of encouragement. She was bald (from chemo) and proud of it. She even wore a t-shirt which explained her situation -- it said something like "I'm bald from my medicine" but better, I just can't remember the exact comment.
I could never have done what she is doing. She was so confident and seemed to have such a positive attitude (or least from what I overheard in her conversations with others). I wish that I had seen her earlier in my process because it might have made being bald easier for me. I could barely walk around my house without some kind of head covering on.
So while I didn't say it yesterday, and I'll probably never see the proud bald lady again, I do want to acknowledge what a wonderful role model she is for all the young, bald, cancer patients. I wish I could have been more like her.
30 May 2009
Tubes
Yesterday I had my first of many reconstruction surgeries. I have tubes everywhere, or so it feels. The evil drainage tube (from the mastectomy) is back. And I have a sack of fluid pain medication which is pumping into me via two tubes.
At this time, I am uncomfortable and groggy, but more information on this surgery and the future surgeries will be forthcoming.
27 May 2009
Wig Free
So I tried going without the wig in public about a week and a half ago. Without the eyebrows, the experience freaked me out and I put a hat on after seeing my scary reflection in too many bathrooms. Last weekend, I tried going wigless again, and this time, since my eyebrows are growing back, the process was much less painful. So much so, that I haven't put the wig back on. Yippee!!!
20 May 2009
Shadows of the Night
It's official. My eyebrows fell out more than three months after originally scheduled. Now I have eyebrow shadows -- meaning hints of tiny, dark hairs growing on my face, above my eyes, in the shape of eyebrows. Luckily I am rarely near small children, or I might frighten them.
12 May 2009
WTF
Chemo ended over a month ago. My facial hair (eyebrows, eyelashes) were due to fall out when I started Taxol in late January. Guess what? Now is the time when I have practically no eyelashes or eyebrows. WTF!!!
Just as I am contemplating never wearing the wig again -- all I need is for the slight receding hairline look to fill in -- I lose all of my facial hair. A perfect view of my childhood facial scar is available for all to see. Is the hair god messing with me? WTF?!?!?
Someone please explain the hairloss process to me. I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, not drawing eyebrows on my face. In late March, I even returned the unused eyebrow pencils to Target because obviously I wasn't going to need them -- I still had eyebrows.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Just as I am contemplating never wearing the wig again -- all I need is for the slight receding hairline look to fill in -- I lose all of my facial hair. A perfect view of my childhood facial scar is available for all to see. Is the hair god messing with me? WTF?!?!?
Someone please explain the hairloss process to me. I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, not drawing eyebrows on my face. In late March, I even returned the unused eyebrow pencils to Target because obviously I wasn't going to need them -- I still had eyebrows.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
05 May 2009
Someone like me?
Last night I attended a potluck supper sponsored by the local breast cancer support group. While I enjoyed myself, I can't help but think how odd it is to spend time with people whose main connection to each other is that we share a personal history of bizarrely mutating cells within our bodies.
So what do I chose to do tonight? Go to my first meeting of the young breast cancer survivors, held in Columbus. I made my first initial contact with this group a few weeks ago, and today is my first opportunity to attend. I am curious to see what it will be like to meet with women who are closer to my age. While I like the women in my local support group, they are all much older and in very different stages of life than me.
Maybe tonight I will meet women who are like me.
So what do I chose to do tonight? Go to my first meeting of the young breast cancer survivors, held in Columbus. I made my first initial contact with this group a few weeks ago, and today is my first opportunity to attend. I am curious to see what it will be like to meet with women who are closer to my age. While I like the women in my local support group, they are all much older and in very different stages of life than me.
Maybe tonight I will meet women who are like me.
25 April 2009
24 April 2009
NYT Series
The New York Times is currently running a series on cancer and finding a cure, in particular on our cultural misunderstanding (or misperceptions) of cancer and the lack of a cure. Many people assume that when a patient completes chemo and radiation, the patient is cured but this is not the case. Chemo and radiation try to kill the cancer cells and stop them them from spreading. For example, while I recently completed chemo, had a mastectomy and a sentinel lymph biopsy which showed no sign of cancer in my lymph nodes, all I can do right now is wait to reach the magical 2 and 5 year goals of non-recurrence and then maybe I can breath easy. Maybe.
One of the interviewees for the article is a woman with metastatic breast cancer. While the story is not pleasant or hopeful, I thought it should be shared. Her story is of one who did everything right (non-smoking, vegetarian, exercise) and yet she still got breast cancer, and her cancer spread.
Here is the link to the article: "Advances Elusive in the Long Drive to Cure Cancer." New York Times. April 23, 2009.
As a librarian, I should have a proper citation note but I think all the pertinent information is included in my note.
One of the interviewees for the article is a woman with metastatic breast cancer. While the story is not pleasant or hopeful, I thought it should be shared. Her story is of one who did everything right (non-smoking, vegetarian, exercise) and yet she still got breast cancer, and her cancer spread.
Here is the link to the article: "Advances Elusive in the Long Drive to Cure Cancer." New York Times. April 23, 2009.
As a librarian, I should have a proper citation note but I think all the pertinent information is included in my note.
23 April 2009
Bad Bedside Manner
I must vent.
Many chemo patients have ports installed in their upper chest to allow the evil toxic drugs easy access to veins. When chemo is finished, the port may be removed. Doctors seem to range among 2 opinions regarding port removal: 1) get it out and get on with your life or 2) leave the port in for 2-3 years just in case you need more chemo. My oncologist is from camp #1 and the local surgeon who can remove my port is from camp #2.
So yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment (arranged by my oncologist's office) with the surgeon who is to remove my port. Before the port was installed in November, the surgeon lectured me on her opinions about waiting to remove the port. So I knew before seeing her that she was not going to be pleased to see me.
First she made me wait for 25 minutes before coming into the room, then she walked into the room with a "why are you here" attitude. First she tossed my file down on her little metal table that she uses when taking notes on patients, and asked me why I was here. I explained that the appointment was made by the oncologist's office, that the port was occasionally uncomfortable, fear of clots, and concern about limitations of physical activity. She poopoo'd all of my concerns. But that isn't the best part...
I won't bore you with a play by play but she disapproves of my choice for reconstruction surgery, demanded to know why I made the decisions that I had made, why did I choose Cleveland for mastectomy, commented on how I travel to the big city for my important surgeries but only use her for the little ones (biopsy, ports), told me that the medical community disapproves of the DIEP surgery (but that if this is the surgery I want that I should go to the best and gave me the name of a surgeon in Boston), how she could put me in contact in with a very good plastic surgeon who comes to our small town for implants, informed me that she attends medical conferences, talked at me about the best ways to do incisions to save skin (without asking why I hadn't had a skin salvaging mastectomy), ....
I have probably even forgotten the best parts but I think you get the general gist of what happened in that office yesterday. Her 20-minute tirade ended with her telling me I could set up a port removal whenever I was ready. And I'm going to get charged for this appointment. She made me feel so horrible that all I wanted to do when I got home yesterday was crawl into bed.
I am tempted to report this surgeon to the local hospital for bad manners, but this is such a small town that my attempt to save someone from her venom may have bad results for me. And I doubt, in the end, my report would do any good.
Many chemo patients have ports installed in their upper chest to allow the evil toxic drugs easy access to veins. When chemo is finished, the port may be removed. Doctors seem to range among 2 opinions regarding port removal: 1) get it out and get on with your life or 2) leave the port in for 2-3 years just in case you need more chemo. My oncologist is from camp #1 and the local surgeon who can remove my port is from camp #2.
So yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment (arranged by my oncologist's office) with the surgeon who is to remove my port. Before the port was installed in November, the surgeon lectured me on her opinions about waiting to remove the port. So I knew before seeing her that she was not going to be pleased to see me.
First she made me wait for 25 minutes before coming into the room, then she walked into the room with a "why are you here" attitude. First she tossed my file down on her little metal table that she uses when taking notes on patients, and asked me why I was here. I explained that the appointment was made by the oncologist's office, that the port was occasionally uncomfortable, fear of clots, and concern about limitations of physical activity. She poopoo'd all of my concerns. But that isn't the best part...
I won't bore you with a play by play but she disapproves of my choice for reconstruction surgery, demanded to know why I made the decisions that I had made, why did I choose Cleveland for mastectomy, commented on how I travel to the big city for my important surgeries but only use her for the little ones (biopsy, ports), told me that the medical community disapproves of the DIEP surgery (but that if this is the surgery I want that I should go to the best and gave me the name of a surgeon in Boston), how she could put me in contact in with a very good plastic surgeon who comes to our small town for implants, informed me that she attends medical conferences, talked at me about the best ways to do incisions to save skin (without asking why I hadn't had a skin salvaging mastectomy), ....
I have probably even forgotten the best parts but I think you get the general gist of what happened in that office yesterday. Her 20-minute tirade ended with her telling me I could set up a port removal whenever I was ready. And I'm going to get charged for this appointment. She made me feel so horrible that all I wanted to do when I got home yesterday was crawl into bed.
I am tempted to report this surgeon to the local hospital for bad manners, but this is such a small town that my attempt to save someone from her venom may have bad results for me. And I doubt, in the end, my report would do any good.
17 April 2009
Don't Leave Home Without It
I actually left the house with my cranial prosthetic. I even locked the house, got into the car, and we had driven about 2 blocks before I realized something was wrong. Not that I am not anxious to never wear a wig again, my head (and my self-image) is not ready for the world to see my bare head yet. Hair is growing -- slowly.
Once I realized my horrible mistake, Brandon turned the car around and I was able to get my wig. He even laughed and said something like, "I hadn't even noticed."
I am so self-conscious about my head that I don't even want to drive to NY without something on my head. Winter hats will look a little conspicuous in mid-April (even if the outside temperatures are only just beginning to warm up). I don't want to sit in a car for 10 hours with the wig nor do I want to wear a winter hat. I think that I may try a scarf, but we'll see. Chemo is over and yet I still look like a cancer patient (and will for a while... grrrr).
Once I realized my horrible mistake, Brandon turned the car around and I was able to get my wig. He even laughed and said something like, "I hadn't even noticed."
I am so self-conscious about my head that I don't even want to drive to NY without something on my head. Winter hats will look a little conspicuous in mid-April (even if the outside temperatures are only just beginning to warm up). I don't want to sit in a car for 10 hours with the wig nor do I want to wear a winter hat. I think that I may try a scarf, but we'll see. Chemo is over and yet I still look like a cancer patient (and will for a while... grrrr).
09 April 2009
My Last Session
My last session of chemo was relatively uneventful. My blood work was acceptable. The premeds made me dopey. For those of you are sensitive to benadryl, I do not recommend receiving it intravenously; even holding a simple conversation, for example, about my favorite Chipotle burrito, became difficult.
I did have two special treats for my last session. For one, Brandon came with me, so we got to sit in one of the private rooms, rather than in "chemo alley" (what I call the hallway of recliners where most patients sit). He even arranged to bring muffins and cupcakes for the staff and patients, as a thank you for being so wonderful during this horrible experience.
My favorite part of chemo was the nurses and the ladies at the reception desk. Each one was so nice. I will miss seeing them every week (although I'll probably get over that pretty quickly). I will also probably miss the routine. Doing the same thing every week for 12 weeks, and then a similar process for the prior 2 months, is kind of habit-forming.
And the for the other treat, the nurses brought me a good-bye rose. The gesture was so sweet. The note said, "Congratulations on finishing chemo!!" If I hadn't been so doped up on benedryl, I would have probably teared up a bit. Even though I'll be back in the office for visits with the doctor, my relationship with the nurses will be different, and I will miss them.
I definitely won't miss the scary, toxic fluids being pumped into my body.
I did have two special treats for my last session. For one, Brandon came with me, so we got to sit in one of the private rooms, rather than in "chemo alley" (what I call the hallway of recliners where most patients sit). He even arranged to bring muffins and cupcakes for the staff and patients, as a thank you for being so wonderful during this horrible experience.
My favorite part of chemo was the nurses and the ladies at the reception desk. Each one was so nice. I will miss seeing them every week (although I'll probably get over that pretty quickly). I will also probably miss the routine. Doing the same thing every week for 12 weeks, and then a similar process for the prior 2 months, is kind of habit-forming.
And the for the other treat, the nurses brought me a good-bye rose. The gesture was so sweet. The note said, "Congratulations on finishing chemo!!" If I hadn't been so doped up on benedryl, I would have probably teared up a bit. Even though I'll be back in the office for visits with the doctor, my relationship with the nurses will be different, and I will miss them.
I definitely won't miss the scary, toxic fluids being pumped into my body.
08 April 2009
Je suis fini
Done!
Over!
Completed!
Finished!
The End!
You get the idea. My 5 months of chemotherapy have come to an end. I survived 4 sessions of A/C and 12 sessions of Taxol with flying colors. There are even people at work who I think don't know what I went through. Even my doctors are surprised that I was able to continue to work through the chemo. I guess that is what happens when you are young and healthy. Chemo couldn't completely knock me off my feet. Take that chemo. Now let us hope you did your job because I definitely don't want to do this again -- ever!!!
I tried to come up with a song with lyrics similar to the "Hark the Herald Angels Shout" like my classmates and I used to sing in middle and upper schools after the Christmas Carol program, but nothing good came to mind. Maybe I'll think of something in the middle of night tonight during the steroid induced insomnia that I anticipate.
Over!
Completed!
Finished!
The End!
You get the idea. My 5 months of chemotherapy have come to an end. I survived 4 sessions of A/C and 12 sessions of Taxol with flying colors. There are even people at work who I think don't know what I went through. Even my doctors are surprised that I was able to continue to work through the chemo. I guess that is what happens when you are young and healthy. Chemo couldn't completely knock me off my feet. Take that chemo. Now let us hope you did your job because I definitely don't want to do this again -- ever!!!
I tried to come up with a song with lyrics similar to the "Hark the Herald Angels Shout" like my classmates and I used to sing in middle and upper schools after the Christmas Carol program, but nothing good came to mind. Maybe I'll think of something in the middle of night tonight during the steroid induced insomnia that I anticipate.
07 April 2009
As Annie Once Famously Said...
Tomorrow...well, you know the rest of the song, and I don't want to get accused of copyright infringement.
So tomorrow is my last day of chemo. I can't believe this day has finally almost arrived. It is amazing how fast and slow 5 months can go by. As the end draws near, I am beginning to wonder if I'll miss my weekly visits to the cancer clinic. The nurses have been so nice to me and at no other time do I get to enjoy daytime television shows. Then again, I doubt that I'll ever feel nostalgic for this particular time in my life.
Time for me to calm down. I'm not done yet. And it is going to take me a while to get back to my old self. Tomorrow is only the first of many baby steps towards my official recovery.
So tomorrow is my last day of chemo. I can't believe this day has finally almost arrived. It is amazing how fast and slow 5 months can go by. As the end draws near, I am beginning to wonder if I'll miss my weekly visits to the cancer clinic. The nurses have been so nice to me and at no other time do I get to enjoy daytime television shows. Then again, I doubt that I'll ever feel nostalgic for this particular time in my life.
Time for me to calm down. I'm not done yet. And it is going to take me a while to get back to my old self. Tomorrow is only the first of many baby steps towards my official recovery.
28 March 2009
The Final Countdown
2 more chemo sessions!!! My how the time flies. Well not really but oh how I am glad to see the end on the horizon, and trips out of the state of Ohio on my agenda.
22 March 2009
Brenda Walsh
Before my tumor was officially diagnosed as cancer, my friend Anne nicknamed my tumor "Brenda Walsh" in honor of the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (version 1) when Brenda finds a lump in her breast. Over the years, I had not rewatched this particular episode. I am not sure why not since I watch 90210 whenever it is on, especially the reruns on SoapNet. Somehow I missed this particular episode whenever it was on.
Recently, thanks to CBS.com, I have been watching the entire first season of 90210. Last week, I finally came across the episode with Brenda's tumor (AKA the SAT episode). As the episode unfolds, Brenda tells the story of her aunt who had breast cancer. Her aunt was 34 years old, had a mastectomy, and chemo, but the cancer still returned in her other breast to eventually kill her. Even thought the story is totally fictional, and on a stupid 90s teen drama, the story of Brenda's aunt doesn't sit well with me. I couldn't stop crying. I kept trying but I couldn't stop myself. Stupid TV.
Very soon I need to make a decision about my other breast. Do I remove it or not? One side of me thinks I should keep it, the other side says cut it off. In early April, I have my second appointment with my reconstruction surgeon, and need to have made a decision. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be thinking about what to do. Stupid decisions.
Recently, thanks to CBS.com, I have been watching the entire first season of 90210. Last week, I finally came across the episode with Brenda's tumor (AKA the SAT episode). As the episode unfolds, Brenda tells the story of her aunt who had breast cancer. Her aunt was 34 years old, had a mastectomy, and chemo, but the cancer still returned in her other breast to eventually kill her. Even thought the story is totally fictional, and on a stupid 90s teen drama, the story of Brenda's aunt doesn't sit well with me. I couldn't stop crying. I kept trying but I couldn't stop myself. Stupid TV.
Very soon I need to make a decision about my other breast. Do I remove it or not? One side of me thinks I should keep it, the other side says cut it off. In early April, I have my second appointment with my reconstruction surgeon, and need to have made a decision. Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be thinking about what to do. Stupid decisions.
21 March 2009
Exhaustion
I can't believe how tired I have been lately. Last night I slept almost 12 hours. I have slept that much in years, and right now I can barely hold my head up. My body is tired. My concentration is shot. I'm looking forward to watching something silly on television.
Tomorrow and Monday, I am working both afternoons at an informational fair for seniors. I hope I don't crash. That would be ugly. Usually I hide in my office when I work, so being on display is a first for me since the chemo began. Wish me luck!
Tomorrow and Monday, I am working both afternoons at an informational fair for seniors. I hope I don't crash. That would be ugly. Usually I hide in my office when I work, so being on display is a first for me since the chemo began. Wish me luck!
19 March 2009
Unwanted Side Effects
The current time in Ohio is 2:30am and I cannot sleep. Thank you steroids. I went to chemo this morning which means that I am unable to sleep no matter how tired I am. I want to sleep, I love to sleep.
Another unpleasant side effect of chemo is hot flashes. Getting an early preview of menopause is not something anyone should experience. The hot flashes started a couple of weeks ago. I feel really warm and beads of sweat appear on my forehead.
Aches and pains are my other recurring annoyances. My toe "knuckles" ache. Sometimes my knees feel as if they are going to give out on me. My arms also are achy. Basically I experience lots of joint pain.
And I am often very tired. Exhaustion is becoming a way of life. The nurse today explained to me that the exhaustion is cumulative. I have one month left, and am tired all the time. Earlier in my Taxol rounds, I felt almost normal but the drug side effects are beginning to catch up with me. The nurse also told me that it is possible that I will take a while to regain my usual stamina after the chemo is over which is no good. I've got plans, and nothing is going to stop me. I need to leave the state of Ohio.
On the other side of evil chemo side effects, I am lucky to have been relatively healthy before chemo began. I never lost all my eyebrows or eyelashes. My nails did not turn gross and nasty. I never vomited. Of course I better be careful about what I saw. I still have 3 more sessions of chemo left. If there is one thing that I have learned from cancer experience, anything is possible.
Another unpleasant side effect of chemo is hot flashes. Getting an early preview of menopause is not something anyone should experience. The hot flashes started a couple of weeks ago. I feel really warm and beads of sweat appear on my forehead.
Aches and pains are my other recurring annoyances. My toe "knuckles" ache. Sometimes my knees feel as if they are going to give out on me. My arms also are achy. Basically I experience lots of joint pain.
And I am often very tired. Exhaustion is becoming a way of life. The nurse today explained to me that the exhaustion is cumulative. I have one month left, and am tired all the time. Earlier in my Taxol rounds, I felt almost normal but the drug side effects are beginning to catch up with me. The nurse also told me that it is possible that I will take a while to regain my usual stamina after the chemo is over which is no good. I've got plans, and nothing is going to stop me. I need to leave the state of Ohio.
On the other side of evil chemo side effects, I am lucky to have been relatively healthy before chemo began. I never lost all my eyebrows or eyelashes. My nails did not turn gross and nasty. I never vomited. Of course I better be careful about what I saw. I still have 3 more sessions of chemo left. If there is one thing that I have learned from cancer experience, anything is possible.
26 February 2009
The slight beginnings of the end
Hair has begun to sprout on top of my head. Not a lot, but the return of hair has begun. Yippee!!!
Just wanted to report some happy news. Good night.
Just wanted to report some happy news. Good night.
23 February 2009
Forced Entry
The time has come to try writing more blog entries. The excuses need to stop. And the excuses were many. First it was the A/C chemo (and the ensuing chemo brain), then it was the holidays and the new year, followed by the passing of my uncle. I need to remind myself of one of the reasons why the blog exists -- to help me comprehend my experience with cancer. I thought that if I journaled my experience, I would have a better understanding of the disease and its effects on my life. Writing in the blog helps me think through issues and concerns. It also helps me feel less isolated.
22 February 2009
A dark and lonely winter
The year 2009 was supposed to be a better year, at least health-wise. All signs pointed towards improvement. Sadly, the year has not lived up to its promise.
On January 30, my uncle died. While he had been ill for the past few months, his death was unexpected. Our last conversation even focused on how 2009 was going to be a better year. My family still does not have the official autopsy results, but it seems he died from an infection, an infection that may have been curable. He trusted his doctors, and at his last visit, he was told to eat more meat.
The funeral was last week. I did not travel home for the funeral, and feel horrible about missing it. A memorial service will be held during the springtime, when I have completed chemo.
On January 30, my uncle died. While he had been ill for the past few months, his death was unexpected. Our last conversation even focused on how 2009 was going to be a better year. My family still does not have the official autopsy results, but it seems he died from an infection, an infection that may have been curable. He trusted his doctors, and at his last visit, he was told to eat more meat.
The funeral was last week. I did not travel home for the funeral, and feel horrible about missing it. A memorial service will be held during the springtime, when I have completed chemo.
30 January 2009
Oh my blog, I haven't forgotten you
The month of January has passed by quickly. I have topics which I would like to discuss but my energy and enthusiasm levels have been low. The December holidays were not a totally happy time, and consequently my spirits have been low. When my spirits are low, I am less inclined to share my thoughts and comments.
Two weeks ago I started Taxol. So far, Taxol is much easier to withstand than the A/C. Nausea no longer haunts for me days at a time. My physical energy levels are higher. Before I receive the Taxol, due to concerns regarding an allergic-reaction I receive Benadryl intravenously. Whoa! Makes me stupid and sleepy very quickly.
I am also in the process of losing more hair. I found a pile of eyelashes on my laptop. My eyebrows are also due to fall out. I am not looking forward to drawing on my eyebrows. Women who draw them on always look really creepy to me. I have thing about eyebrows, and have for a while. When I lived in Chicago, and rode the bus to work, I would often spy on people's eyebrows. I don't know why. I guess I found eyebrows to be fascinating -- how some people pluck and pluck, and others are keep their's long and shaggy. My plan was to purchase some fake glasses to hide my ever decreasing eyebrows but I haven't yet found any. Maybe I'll see if I can find some cheap glasses at Target over the weekend.
Two weeks ago I started Taxol. So far, Taxol is much easier to withstand than the A/C. Nausea no longer haunts for me days at a time. My physical energy levels are higher. Before I receive the Taxol, due to concerns regarding an allergic-reaction I receive Benadryl intravenously. Whoa! Makes me stupid and sleepy very quickly.
I am also in the process of losing more hair. I found a pile of eyelashes on my laptop. My eyebrows are also due to fall out. I am not looking forward to drawing on my eyebrows. Women who draw them on always look really creepy to me. I have thing about eyebrows, and have for a while. When I lived in Chicago, and rode the bus to work, I would often spy on people's eyebrows. I don't know why. I guess I found eyebrows to be fascinating -- how some people pluck and pluck, and others are keep their's long and shaggy. My plan was to purchase some fake glasses to hide my ever decreasing eyebrows but I haven't yet found any. Maybe I'll see if I can find some cheap glasses at Target over the weekend.
08 January 2009
Last Dance with the Red Devil
Yesterday I had my last A/C chemo round. Phew!! Let's hope the recovery time for this round doesn't take as long as the session that I had right before Christmas.
I had nicknamed the Adriamycin the red menace, but I have since learned the nurses at my oncologist's office have already nicknamed it the red devil. Either works for me.
In two weeks, I'll begin my 12 weeks of Taxol.
I had nicknamed the Adriamycin the red menace, but I have since learned the nurses at my oncologist's office have already nicknamed it the red devil. Either works for me.
In two weeks, I'll begin my 12 weeks of Taxol.
01 January 2009
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